I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm passing your future prison.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
