I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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