I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
