haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize