So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
