Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
