my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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