I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
