I faked an abortion last night.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
