i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just gargled with NyQuil
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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