So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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