I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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