My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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