My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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