and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
