you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
