I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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