Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
