I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
