atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
