Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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