Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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