Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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