Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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