Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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