How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize