and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
