He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
