um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
