I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
