the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
