I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
