JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
