At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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