i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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