Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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