Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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