If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize