You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
