Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
