I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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