I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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