Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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