I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
