god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
