I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
false alarm. still invincible.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
