Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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