I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
you made out with another girl for some wings
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
