I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
