like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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