lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
