Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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