You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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