my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
