I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it because I queefed?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
