The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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