One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
