I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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