based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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