i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
