I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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