I hate your face
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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